The 0% or 100% of Perfectionism

"It's me again. "

Said my perfectionism to me.

Said me to you.

Writing helps me log the low points -- the battles lost in my fist fight against Perfectionism. Writing is a log of the time where my inner conflict gave way to the exhaustion of "shoulda." (I'm Southern, so you might just say "should have.")

I talked to Matt yesterday about how I felt so behind in my goals and motivation. I made a list of everything that needed to be fixed NOW, but then I got overwhelmed so I drank a beer which wasn't even enjoyable because I was bloated which just reminded me of the time I used to drink a gallon of water a day and was in the best shape of my life.

It's exhausting

What Matt told me, then, is "everything you do you do at 100%... well, you do it at 100% or 0%."

Can you relate?

A vision of my 100%s flashed through my mind: running a marathon, getting injured, getting my MBA, embracing minimalism, doing 4 Whole30s...

Then a vision of my 0%s flashed through my mind: not exercising for 2 weeks, not eating my vegetables, not water coloring every day, not sticking to my New Years resolutions...

It's an On/Off switch and damn does it feel good to be On!

But damn does it feel low to be on Off.

Off is okay sometimes, but other times Off is keeping away the dreams.

This is Scary, and That's Good

I’m back.

And I’m excited.

The #aweekwithoutperfect experiment went well (if you call stripping away a barrier you never knew existed, much less to what extent, that protected you but not really because it actually makes life a little dull “well”), and its lessons stuck with me.

• I paid more attention to my thoughts. (Positive thinking.)
• I re-assessed friendships. (Emotional labor.)
• I sought out deeper conversations. (Vulnerability.)
• I tried new activities. (Failure.)
• I analyzed what I think I’ve been told to want versus what I know makes me happy. (Motivation.)
• I observed my grudges. (Forgiveness.)
• I followed my gut. (Action.)
• I vocalized my wants and needs. (Self-leadership.)
• I saw my distaste for others as its true reflection of my own disappointments. (Perception.)
• I confronted excuses. (Adulting.)
• I realized how many expectations I thought I had to meet. (Inferiority.)
• I right-sized expectations. (Frustration.)
• I stopped attributing malicious intent to others’ behavior. (Judgmental.)
• I embraced what I have, not what I don’t have. (Gratitude.)
• I realized that it’s not personal – whatever it is. (Spotlight effect.)
• I let go of things that weighed me down. (Minimalism.)
• I set out without a plan. (Creativity.)
• I love how unique I am. (Acceptance.)   
• I allowed myself to feel joy. (Being present.)
• I addressed discomfort before my head could spin up stories. (Crucial conversations.)
• I breathed deeply. (Air.)
• I had fun. (Truth.)
• I surprised my anger. (Compassion.)
• I didn't try to be anyone else. (Comparison.)
• I believe that I can live my truth. (Joy.)
• I allowed my emotions to express themselves. (Peace.)
• I preserved quiet time. (Restoration.)
• I smiled during good times. (Happiness.)

Observing the perfectionism, chipping away at its barrier, and letting some light in to my heart chakra lead to a path of growth I had only read about. Affirmations don’t work when they are just covering up stinky trash, and my trash stunk (stinks) of shame, anger, and inferiority.

I am unstuck.