The #aweekwithoutperfect Experiment

Okay, so it was more like "A week with less perfect." But, I'm seven days wiser, reporting back and encouraging you to do your own #aweekwithoutperfect experiment.

If perfectionism is not your demon, find something else. Perhaps #aweekwithoutsorry? #aweekwithoutsloth? #aweekwithoutsugar? If you want to dig deep into behavior, choose one to focus on for just a week. That's seven days of concentrated intent; making those observations the priority of your thoughts so that you can absorb their impact and connections between you and the world around you.

#nofilter

Why I Chose Perfect

The root of perfectionism is fear, and the result of fear is not taking action - even if your vision is begging for it. Then, the opposite of fear is taking a first step without a twelve-part self-doubting marathon of "Am I ready?" and "Nah, someone else could do it better." In one word: Paralysis. 

I used this Lean In quote in my blog post on December 13, 2016 when I first announced this experiment. This quote was the catalyst of why I chose to focus on "perfect." Here it is:

"Perfect" is keeping me from living my true self. I am tired of it, but I also know I don't know the depth of the problem.

Here's How it Went

First, I had to chill myself down for not starting on a Monday. Once I realized I needed to do #aweekwithoutperfect, the week had already started. I considered putting it in my agenda to start the next week fresh (like any good workout goal, "Starting Monday...!"), but I realized that by doing that, I would be putting myself in the exact box from which I am trying to escape. 

So, here's to fresh starts on a Tuesday.

Day 1: I see pefectionism manifest itself in my and others' vocabulary. 

First, I use the word "perfect" to describe others' performance and objects around me. I was 5 seconds into #aweekwithoutperfect before the word "perfect" flowed from my fingertips into a Facebook conversation. It was in reference to a GIF a friend sent me. Things I could have said instead: "That is funny!" or "That GIF is something I could see us doing." Yeah, Rebel Wilson is pretty great and that GIF is hilarious, but that word was unnecessary. 

Second, I felt compelled to share my blog with someone else on social media. I've stated before that starting this blog is a step towards passion and a step away from fear. So, if it's a step just to start this, sharing it is a leap. Before I leaped, though, I had to make sure it looked perfect. I reviewed every word, I reviewed my profile, I edited sentences, and I improved images. I'd estimate this accumulated to an hour of my time spent on something that was only going to appease my obsession of having it perfect. These "improvements" were so minor, I am even questioning my sanity. The worst past is that I RECOGNIZED that doing these edits was driven by perfectionism, but I continued anyway because it was easier than taking a break and training myself to leave well enough alone. Wow. So, in this situation, what I could have done instead: Recognized my work for the quality it already was, shared it, and moved on to something else.

Third, there were four times (AH! Too many numbers!) I sat at my desk and at my phone and stared at a screen because I was in paralysis. In these situations, I was presented with tasks that I had never done before, emails I put off writing, and texts I didn't know how to respond to. I'd estimate this accumulated to two hours of non-action, non-value-added time that I could have chosen action rather than the perfectionistic thinking of, "Why even try?" or "If I think long enough, the magic answer will come." What I could have done instead: Just start. 

Fourth, I heard someone else say, "They're not perfect, but..." You can watch the video here. It's a video of President Obama interviewed by CNN about intelligence debriefings at the White House. This particular comment was made in reference to the CIA. I did a double-take and paused the video. What an unfair statement to make about a group of people. (Especially a group who is probably as close to the best in the country in their field you can get.) These four words downplays the group's success, sets an impossible standard for them to reach, and is ultimately belittling. What he could have said instead: Not those four words. Everything after that is the meat of the comment; those four words are unnecessary. Mental note to make sure I never do this to others around me.

Day 2: I see pefectionism manifest itself in my expectations for my appearance.

Oh my gosh. I'm horrified at myself. 

Have you ever said, "I need to _____!" or "I should have _____!" for the two hundredth time? Here's a sampling of how many times I said this to myself today:

• 6:00a: "I need to get up."
• 6:10a: "I need to stop pressing snooze."
• 6:20a: "I should have gone to bed earlier last night."
• 6:40a: "I need to find a more moisturizing body wash."
• 6:50a: "I should have prepped my breakfast last night."
• 7:00a: "I should have gone to kickboxing yesterday."
• 7:10a: "I should have gotten up earlier and worked out."
• 7:20a: "I should have been nicer to the dog."
• 7:40a: "I should have called a handyman yesterday about the fridge."
• 7:50a: "I should have eaten leftovers instead of ordering in last week."
• 8:10a: "I should have worn different shoes today."
• 8:30a: "I should have blow-dried my hair."
• 8:40a: "I need to wear makeup."
• 9:00a: "I need to wear contacts instead of my glasses."
• 10:00a: "I should have worn lipstick today."
• 10:40a: "I need to wear a better-fitting bra."
• 11:00a: "I need to stop eating the Christmas treats at work."
• 11:10a: "I need to stop eating the Christmas treats at work."
• 12:30p: "I should have worn something more flattering today."
• 1:00p: "I should interact with people more on social media."
• 1:10p: "I should have cooked a Paleo lunch."
• 1:30p: "I need to work on my flabby belly."
• 2:00p: "I need to get this work done."
• 3:00p: "I should have dressed more trendy today."
• 3:30p: "I need to make the bed in the mornings." 
• 4:00p: "I need to remove my chipped nailpolish."
• 4:10p: "I should have matched jewelry today."
• 6:00p: "I need to eat better."
• 6:20p: "I should have ordered a water."
• 6:30p: "I should have ordered a salad."
• 6:40p: "I need to stop eating sugar."
• 6:50p: "I should have made more time to run all my errands."
• 7:30p: "I should have ordered a water."
• 7:40p: "I should have not ordered the pizza." 
• 10:00p: "I should have worked out today."
• 10:10p: "I should have leaned in to work more today."
• 10:20p: "I should have brushed my teeth."

These are real thoughts. The ones that stuck out to me, and caught me by complete surprise, were the "need to" and "should have" thoughts about my appearance. I do not consider myself a body-shamer, but that is exactly what I am doing. I am telling myself:

• Your body isn't attractive if you don't work out. 
• You are a failure if you don't make time to work out. 
• Wearing trendy clothes means you are energetic and creative.
• You must wear makeup in order to appear more put-together. 
• Wearing contacts makes you more approachable. 
• Tight-fitting clothes means you're fat. 
• Chipped nailpolish means you don't have your shit together. 
• Lipstick makes you look more powerful.

What's scariest is that these are not new thoughts. I have repeated these same "I need to _____!" or "I should have _____!" to myself every single day for YEARS. I have this arbitrary, unwavering vision of what a successful woman looks like: Toned, blushed, styled hair, the latest fashion, stilettos, red lips, matching jewelry, glasses-free, and a designer purse. 

Do you know how much of that "successful woman" criteria I set that I currently fit in to, as I sit and type this? NONE. And how many of those "requirements" I hit in one day? Never all of them, rarely even half of them. That means, that every day, I am disappointed with myself and how I appeared that day. "Maybe the more I chide myself, the more likely I am to get it right." Year after year, I rush out of the house with wet hair, glasses, and the first shirt in my closet while getting mad at myself that tomorrow has to be different. 

I have been thinking of my own self in terms of "right" and "wrong."And look at that bulleted list up there... I was seeing everything as "wrong," and almost always it was something about my body and my appearance. Two sacred things to a person that I'd never downplay to anyone else. 

I did it in high school, I did it in college, I did it at my first job, and I do it at my current job. I'm 28 now, which maths out to over a DECADE. I tell myself that I feel better when I wear makeup, put in contacts, and wear trendy clothes... But I see now it isn't a feeling of happiness, it's only a feeling of accomplishment for having met this arbitrary goal; it's not a feeling of living my truth as I was meant to live it.

Me in 2006 and me in 2016. Almost no change. 

I have never been the person to put time into jewelry, hair styling, and makeup... My high school pictures are a variation of 3 different jeans and a handful of camp t-shirts. So why am I pressuring myself to fit in a box that I've literally never fit into? I had no idea I was so unhappy and mean with myself until today.

I have a dream... Of ditching this "perfect woman" visual... Of respecting the truth that has been appearing every day in the mirror but that isn't getting the proper respect... Of making who I am my own, fulfilled version of "perfect."

Day 3: I see perfectionism in the way I interpret projects' results. 

I'm sitting in a Global HR meeting and results of our most recent employee satisfaction survey are displayed. The VP explains the numbers, and my eyes are quickly drawn towards a bar graph that shows the trending of a specific group of questions between two years ago, now, and a benchmark against similar companies. The screen shone green: We had either scored the same or better than we did two years ago and were scores above the benchmark in almost every category.

Keyword: Almost. There were some spots of red and I couldn't get over it. What had failed? Whose fault was it? What's the action plan to bring those scores back up?

The presentation continued, and it was much of the same: A sea of green, very few areas marked red. At the conclusion, the floor opened for questions. As I was thinking of a polite way to ask if the VP is nervous of the future of the culture and to offer my previous experience in improving satisfaction survey results, another person spoke up. "Good," I thought. "She can tackle this one."

"It looks like we all did a really good job! I see huge improvements in the five areas we intentionally focused our efforts on this year. I am really proud of these results."

Well, then I felt like an asshole and was really glad she spoke up first. The purpose of the #aweekwithoutperfect experiment came rushing back, and I realized the lenses of perfection didn't just apply to my expectations for myself... the lenses of perfection also affects how I view success of ANYTHING.

Later that day, I had a meeting with my manager. I was nervous because I wrote down my accomplishments for the week (typical for our meetings), it was a lot of "touched base with So-and-So, but still waiting on a response" and "Finished [insert 'menial' task]." I walked her through the list, and she said, "That's so great, Lauren. You had a really good week!" Um... No. I'm sure she didn't see how little was actually accomplished. But, I silently nodded and realized I don't appreciate the steps along the way for a project that are important for its ultimate success. While perfectionism says NOW, reality might say I'M WORKING ON IT.

Day 4: I see perfectionism in the way I view others' performance. 

Picture this: I'm sitting on my ass in my favorite oversized pajama pants scrolling through Facebook, and a video of a woman exercising comes up. 

I know, it's such a hard thing to picture. The inclusion of Yoshi the Dog is
a bonus for you having read this far.

• "Her knees just went over toes."
• "An 8-pound weight? She'd see more results from a 10-pound weight."
• "Those reps look a little slow."
• "She's being videod. Can't she smile?"
• "I think squats are supposed to go a little lower than that."

Y'all. I'm not a bitch. At least, I didn't think I was. But what foundation do I have for thinking these things? For judging someone's workout? And this isn't a surprise... When I trained for my marathon, I would view others' performance, compare it against my own, compare mine against theirs, and I would usually come up with a negative thought that either I or they weren't working hard enough, the breathing wasn't perfect, or the form could be improved. I then realized I do this when I see a lot of people on social media, whether it's a fashion page, cooking page, or a fitness page: Someone always could be doing better, whether that's me or someone else. Hell, even when I work on projects with colleagues, when friends tell me their goals, and when I'm at the gym with a workout buddy... It's always with a critical eye and a "Well, did you write your goals down?" or "Next time, let's not be so easy on ourselves."

Comparatively, these cookies are better than anything I could do. 

Here are some cookies I judged because the blogger said they turned out perfectly. All I saw was the oil left on the wax paper, the off-center Hershey's kisses, and the breaks in the dough. And guess what? I have never baked cookies in my life. 

Stop comparing performance to an arbitrary image of perfection, LAUREN. Anyway, as a result, I un-followed pages on social media that I was following just to feel better about myself and pages that don't add anything to my life at this point: Pages I've outgrown and pages that incite annoyance more than anything. I even deleted Snapchat because I was viewing people's experiences through the perfectionism filter... Whether it's in what they were doing or in what they were conjuring that I wasn't. I realized it's not healthy for me right now, especially after realizing my thoughts weren't supportive of others or my body image, and that I can pick it back up when I am ready. 

Day 5: I see perfectionism in others' words. 

Let me say that four days of focusing on #aweekwithoutperfect and analyzing my thoughts and behaviors was scary and exhausting. 

I learned a lot about myself! Yay! 

I learned a lot about myself! Whew. 

So, I chose this day to put #aweekwithoutperfect to the test, and to look at what around me I had been missing by looking through the eyes of a perfectionist. 

First, I went kickboxing with Courtney. It was her first time and (see above regarding others' performance) I am a stickler for form, power, and speed... DO IT RIGHT!... But, I put that mindset to the backseat and put my energy towards encouraging her and congratulating her on how well she was doing. And she was!! In front of me, I saw a new version of perfection: Someone doing their best at that possible moment. I left instruction and tips up to the instructor, kept my role as a buddy, and she ended up joining the gym!

Not focusing on the perfect form and not comparing my performance to others', I had the best workout I've had in a while.

So, Christmas is coming up, and y'all, I want my recipients to love what I give them. So I went shopping with the idea to find something that makes the other person happy... Not to find something PERFECT. Do you see the difference in the way those two phrases affect the action? When looking for something that will make the other person happy, the possibilities are fun and endless. When looking for something that is perfect, time is spent scouring and stressing over finding one item. 

Without an agenda, I tried out new shops in town and loved my time. I ended up coming out with an ornament for myself (we don't have a tree up and it probably isn't getting put up and I ain't sorry about it) and a card that I liked that I don't know who it's going to and when. With my eyes open to the OPTIONS around me, I enjoyed my day. Thoroughly.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE.

There was even a nice little reminder tucked away in the store of my week's focus. THANKS, UNIVERSE. I get it. I'm working on it!

"Let's try focusing on your posts that do receive comments."

Secondly, I laughed because one of the gifts I purchased 1) thrilled my friend and 2) was described as "perfect!" by everyone that was there. D'oh! Looks like I'm not the only one who used that vocabulary. 

Day 6: I see perfectionism was a way for me to control my environment.

I left the grocery shopping and dinner to my husband (which I usually feel the need to control the perfect menu and shopping list), and I was realistic on the time commitments I made this day. I did things that I wanted to do (wore sweatpants, skipped a step in my facial care routine), rather than what fit the Perfectionism box I had been (apparently) living in. 

Honestly, it was a good day. 

Day 7: I see perfectionism as the root of anything that is limiting me.

Here we are (here I am!). I am so thankful that Trish Blackwell's Facebook video and Sheryl Sandburg's book Lean In encouraged me to see that perfectionism is a real issue, and is one that was limiting myself from living my life to its fullest. 

Through #aweekwithoutperfect, I was  surprised at how the beast of Perfectionism is affecting how I view myself ("I don't look like her," "I don't have her style," "I'll never get that flat stomach") and how I view others ("He didn't try hard enough," "She must not really want it," "He could have done better"). Perfectionism affects reactions to the outcome of projects (focusing on what wasn't accomplished rather than what was) and the effectiveness of actions taken. 

I am changed for the better. In the final days of the experiment, I was nicer to myself in my workout performance and in the morning when I went through my clothes to find an outfit that accents my body and personality rather than the current trends. I was nicer to others when they confided in me for personal help and when their performance was in question. 

I feel cleaner in my mind and in my heart. Perfectionism was a piece of clutter that was weighing me down without realizing it. Now that I have a handle on the depth of the problem, I will continue adjusting.

Spend a week focusing on something, and you're sure to discover something. 

Thank you for letting me share.