The 0% or 100% of Perfectionism

"It's me again. "

Said my perfectionism to me.

Said me to you.

Writing helps me log the low points -- the battles lost in my fist fight against Perfectionism. Writing is a log of the time where my inner conflict gave way to the exhaustion of "shoulda." (I'm Southern, so you might just say "should have.")

I talked to Matt yesterday about how I felt so behind in my goals and motivation. I made a list of everything that needed to be fixed NOW, but then I got overwhelmed so I drank a beer which wasn't even enjoyable because I was bloated which just reminded me of the time I used to drink a gallon of water a day and was in the best shape of my life.

It's exhausting

What Matt told me, then, is "everything you do you do at 100%... well, you do it at 100% or 0%."

Can you relate?

A vision of my 100%s flashed through my mind: running a marathon, getting injured, getting my MBA, embracing minimalism, doing 4 Whole30s...

Then a vision of my 0%s flashed through my mind: not exercising for 2 weeks, not eating my vegetables, not water coloring every day, not sticking to my New Years resolutions...

It's an On/Off switch and damn does it feel good to be On!

But damn does it feel low to be on Off.

Off is okay sometimes, but other times Off is keeping away the dreams.

This is Scary, and That's Good

I’m back.

And I’m excited.

The #aweekwithoutperfect experiment went well (if you call stripping away a barrier you never knew existed, much less to what extent, that protected you but not really because it actually makes life a little dull “well”), and its lessons stuck with me.

• I paid more attention to my thoughts. (Positive thinking.)
• I re-assessed friendships. (Emotional labor.)
• I sought out deeper conversations. (Vulnerability.)
• I tried new activities. (Failure.)
• I analyzed what I think I’ve been told to want versus what I know makes me happy. (Motivation.)
• I observed my grudges. (Forgiveness.)
• I followed my gut. (Action.)
• I vocalized my wants and needs. (Self-leadership.)
• I saw my distaste for others as its true reflection of my own disappointments. (Perception.)
• I confronted excuses. (Adulting.)
• I realized how many expectations I thought I had to meet. (Inferiority.)
• I right-sized expectations. (Frustration.)
• I stopped attributing malicious intent to others’ behavior. (Judgmental.)
• I embraced what I have, not what I don’t have. (Gratitude.)
• I realized that it’s not personal – whatever it is. (Spotlight effect.)
• I let go of things that weighed me down. (Minimalism.)
• I set out without a plan. (Creativity.)
• I love how unique I am. (Acceptance.)   
• I allowed myself to feel joy. (Being present.)
• I addressed discomfort before my head could spin up stories. (Crucial conversations.)
• I breathed deeply. (Air.)
• I had fun. (Truth.)
• I surprised my anger. (Compassion.)
• I didn't try to be anyone else. (Comparison.)
• I believe that I can live my truth. (Joy.)
• I allowed my emotions to express themselves. (Peace.)
• I preserved quiet time. (Restoration.)
• I smiled during good times. (Happiness.)

Observing the perfectionism, chipping away at its barrier, and letting some light in to my heart chakra lead to a path of growth I had only read about. Affirmations don’t work when they are just covering up stinky trash, and my trash stunk (stinks) of shame, anger, and inferiority.

I am unstuck.

The #aweekwithoutperfect Experiment

Okay, so it was more like "A week with less perfect." But, I'm seven days wiser, reporting back and encouraging you to do your own #aweekwithoutperfect experiment.

If perfectionism is not your demon, find something else. Perhaps #aweekwithoutsorry? #aweekwithoutsloth? #aweekwithoutsugar? If you want to dig deep into behavior, choose one to focus on for just a week. That's seven days of concentrated intent; making those observations the priority of your thoughts so that you can absorb their impact and connections between you and the world around you.

#nofilter

Why I Chose Perfect

The root of perfectionism is fear, and the result of fear is not taking action - even if your vision is begging for it. Then, the opposite of fear is taking a first step without a twelve-part self-doubting marathon of "Am I ready?" and "Nah, someone else could do it better." In one word: Paralysis. 

I used this Lean In quote in my blog post on December 13, 2016 when I first announced this experiment. This quote was the catalyst of why I chose to focus on "perfect." Here it is:

"Perfect" is keeping me from living my true self. I am tired of it, but I also know I don't know the depth of the problem.

Here's How it Went

First, I had to chill myself down for not starting on a Monday. Once I realized I needed to do #aweekwithoutperfect, the week had already started. I considered putting it in my agenda to start the next week fresh (like any good workout goal, "Starting Monday...!"), but I realized that by doing that, I would be putting myself in the exact box from which I am trying to escape. 

So, here's to fresh starts on a Tuesday.

Day 1: I see pefectionism manifest itself in my and others' vocabulary. 

First, I use the word "perfect" to describe others' performance and objects around me. I was 5 seconds into #aweekwithoutperfect before the word "perfect" flowed from my fingertips into a Facebook conversation. It was in reference to a GIF a friend sent me. Things I could have said instead: "That is funny!" or "That GIF is something I could see us doing." Yeah, Rebel Wilson is pretty great and that GIF is hilarious, but that word was unnecessary. 

Second, I felt compelled to share my blog with someone else on social media. I've stated before that starting this blog is a step towards passion and a step away from fear. So, if it's a step just to start this, sharing it is a leap. Before I leaped, though, I had to make sure it looked perfect. I reviewed every word, I reviewed my profile, I edited sentences, and I improved images. I'd estimate this accumulated to an hour of my time spent on something that was only going to appease my obsession of having it perfect. These "improvements" were so minor, I am even questioning my sanity. The worst past is that I RECOGNIZED that doing these edits was driven by perfectionism, but I continued anyway because it was easier than taking a break and training myself to leave well enough alone. Wow. So, in this situation, what I could have done instead: Recognized my work for the quality it already was, shared it, and moved on to something else.

Third, there were four times (AH! Too many numbers!) I sat at my desk and at my phone and stared at a screen because I was in paralysis. In these situations, I was presented with tasks that I had never done before, emails I put off writing, and texts I didn't know how to respond to. I'd estimate this accumulated to two hours of non-action, non-value-added time that I could have chosen action rather than the perfectionistic thinking of, "Why even try?" or "If I think long enough, the magic answer will come." What I could have done instead: Just start. 

Fourth, I heard someone else say, "They're not perfect, but..." You can watch the video here. It's a video of President Obama interviewed by CNN about intelligence debriefings at the White House. This particular comment was made in reference to the CIA. I did a double-take and paused the video. What an unfair statement to make about a group of people. (Especially a group who is probably as close to the best in the country in their field you can get.) These four words downplays the group's success, sets an impossible standard for them to reach, and is ultimately belittling. What he could have said instead: Not those four words. Everything after that is the meat of the comment; those four words are unnecessary. Mental note to make sure I never do this to others around me.

Day 2: I see pefectionism manifest itself in my expectations for my appearance.

Oh my gosh. I'm horrified at myself. 

Have you ever said, "I need to _____!" or "I should have _____!" for the two hundredth time? Here's a sampling of how many times I said this to myself today:

• 6:00a: "I need to get up."
• 6:10a: "I need to stop pressing snooze."
• 6:20a: "I should have gone to bed earlier last night."
• 6:40a: "I need to find a more moisturizing body wash."
• 6:50a: "I should have prepped my breakfast last night."
• 7:00a: "I should have gone to kickboxing yesterday."
• 7:10a: "I should have gotten up earlier and worked out."
• 7:20a: "I should have been nicer to the dog."
• 7:40a: "I should have called a handyman yesterday about the fridge."
• 7:50a: "I should have eaten leftovers instead of ordering in last week."
• 8:10a: "I should have worn different shoes today."
• 8:30a: "I should have blow-dried my hair."
• 8:40a: "I need to wear makeup."
• 9:00a: "I need to wear contacts instead of my glasses."
• 10:00a: "I should have worn lipstick today."
• 10:40a: "I need to wear a better-fitting bra."
• 11:00a: "I need to stop eating the Christmas treats at work."
• 11:10a: "I need to stop eating the Christmas treats at work."
• 12:30p: "I should have worn something more flattering today."
• 1:00p: "I should interact with people more on social media."
• 1:10p: "I should have cooked a Paleo lunch."
• 1:30p: "I need to work on my flabby belly."
• 2:00p: "I need to get this work done."
• 3:00p: "I should have dressed more trendy today."
• 3:30p: "I need to make the bed in the mornings." 
• 4:00p: "I need to remove my chipped nailpolish."
• 4:10p: "I should have matched jewelry today."
• 6:00p: "I need to eat better."
• 6:20p: "I should have ordered a water."
• 6:30p: "I should have ordered a salad."
• 6:40p: "I need to stop eating sugar."
• 6:50p: "I should have made more time to run all my errands."
• 7:30p: "I should have ordered a water."
• 7:40p: "I should have not ordered the pizza." 
• 10:00p: "I should have worked out today."
• 10:10p: "I should have leaned in to work more today."
• 10:20p: "I should have brushed my teeth."

These are real thoughts. The ones that stuck out to me, and caught me by complete surprise, were the "need to" and "should have" thoughts about my appearance. I do not consider myself a body-shamer, but that is exactly what I am doing. I am telling myself:

• Your body isn't attractive if you don't work out. 
• You are a failure if you don't make time to work out. 
• Wearing trendy clothes means you are energetic and creative.
• You must wear makeup in order to appear more put-together. 
• Wearing contacts makes you more approachable. 
• Tight-fitting clothes means you're fat. 
• Chipped nailpolish means you don't have your shit together. 
• Lipstick makes you look more powerful.

What's scariest is that these are not new thoughts. I have repeated these same "I need to _____!" or "I should have _____!" to myself every single day for YEARS. I have this arbitrary, unwavering vision of what a successful woman looks like: Toned, blushed, styled hair, the latest fashion, stilettos, red lips, matching jewelry, glasses-free, and a designer purse. 

Do you know how much of that "successful woman" criteria I set that I currently fit in to, as I sit and type this? NONE. And how many of those "requirements" I hit in one day? Never all of them, rarely even half of them. That means, that every day, I am disappointed with myself and how I appeared that day. "Maybe the more I chide myself, the more likely I am to get it right." Year after year, I rush out of the house with wet hair, glasses, and the first shirt in my closet while getting mad at myself that tomorrow has to be different. 

I have been thinking of my own self in terms of "right" and "wrong."And look at that bulleted list up there... I was seeing everything as "wrong," and almost always it was something about my body and my appearance. Two sacred things to a person that I'd never downplay to anyone else. 

I did it in high school, I did it in college, I did it at my first job, and I do it at my current job. I'm 28 now, which maths out to over a DECADE. I tell myself that I feel better when I wear makeup, put in contacts, and wear trendy clothes... But I see now it isn't a feeling of happiness, it's only a feeling of accomplishment for having met this arbitrary goal; it's not a feeling of living my truth as I was meant to live it.

Me in 2006 and me in 2016. Almost no change. 

I have never been the person to put time into jewelry, hair styling, and makeup... My high school pictures are a variation of 3 different jeans and a handful of camp t-shirts. So why am I pressuring myself to fit in a box that I've literally never fit into? I had no idea I was so unhappy and mean with myself until today.

I have a dream... Of ditching this "perfect woman" visual... Of respecting the truth that has been appearing every day in the mirror but that isn't getting the proper respect... Of making who I am my own, fulfilled version of "perfect."

Day 3: I see perfectionism in the way I interpret projects' results. 

I'm sitting in a Global HR meeting and results of our most recent employee satisfaction survey are displayed. The VP explains the numbers, and my eyes are quickly drawn towards a bar graph that shows the trending of a specific group of questions between two years ago, now, and a benchmark against similar companies. The screen shone green: We had either scored the same or better than we did two years ago and were scores above the benchmark in almost every category.

Keyword: Almost. There were some spots of red and I couldn't get over it. What had failed? Whose fault was it? What's the action plan to bring those scores back up?

The presentation continued, and it was much of the same: A sea of green, very few areas marked red. At the conclusion, the floor opened for questions. As I was thinking of a polite way to ask if the VP is nervous of the future of the culture and to offer my previous experience in improving satisfaction survey results, another person spoke up. "Good," I thought. "She can tackle this one."

"It looks like we all did a really good job! I see huge improvements in the five areas we intentionally focused our efforts on this year. I am really proud of these results."

Well, then I felt like an asshole and was really glad she spoke up first. The purpose of the #aweekwithoutperfect experiment came rushing back, and I realized the lenses of perfection didn't just apply to my expectations for myself... the lenses of perfection also affects how I view success of ANYTHING.

Later that day, I had a meeting with my manager. I was nervous because I wrote down my accomplishments for the week (typical for our meetings), it was a lot of "touched base with So-and-So, but still waiting on a response" and "Finished [insert 'menial' task]." I walked her through the list, and she said, "That's so great, Lauren. You had a really good week!" Um... No. I'm sure she didn't see how little was actually accomplished. But, I silently nodded and realized I don't appreciate the steps along the way for a project that are important for its ultimate success. While perfectionism says NOW, reality might say I'M WORKING ON IT.

Day 4: I see perfectionism in the way I view others' performance. 

Picture this: I'm sitting on my ass in my favorite oversized pajama pants scrolling through Facebook, and a video of a woman exercising comes up. 

I know, it's such a hard thing to picture. The inclusion of Yoshi the Dog is
a bonus for you having read this far.

• "Her knees just went over toes."
• "An 8-pound weight? She'd see more results from a 10-pound weight."
• "Those reps look a little slow."
• "She's being videod. Can't she smile?"
• "I think squats are supposed to go a little lower than that."

Y'all. I'm not a bitch. At least, I didn't think I was. But what foundation do I have for thinking these things? For judging someone's workout? And this isn't a surprise... When I trained for my marathon, I would view others' performance, compare it against my own, compare mine against theirs, and I would usually come up with a negative thought that either I or they weren't working hard enough, the breathing wasn't perfect, or the form could be improved. I then realized I do this when I see a lot of people on social media, whether it's a fashion page, cooking page, or a fitness page: Someone always could be doing better, whether that's me or someone else. Hell, even when I work on projects with colleagues, when friends tell me their goals, and when I'm at the gym with a workout buddy... It's always with a critical eye and a "Well, did you write your goals down?" or "Next time, let's not be so easy on ourselves."

Comparatively, these cookies are better than anything I could do. 

Here are some cookies I judged because the blogger said they turned out perfectly. All I saw was the oil left on the wax paper, the off-center Hershey's kisses, and the breaks in the dough. And guess what? I have never baked cookies in my life. 

Stop comparing performance to an arbitrary image of perfection, LAUREN. Anyway, as a result, I un-followed pages on social media that I was following just to feel better about myself and pages that don't add anything to my life at this point: Pages I've outgrown and pages that incite annoyance more than anything. I even deleted Snapchat because I was viewing people's experiences through the perfectionism filter... Whether it's in what they were doing or in what they were conjuring that I wasn't. I realized it's not healthy for me right now, especially after realizing my thoughts weren't supportive of others or my body image, and that I can pick it back up when I am ready. 

Day 5: I see perfectionism in others' words. 

Let me say that four days of focusing on #aweekwithoutperfect and analyzing my thoughts and behaviors was scary and exhausting. 

I learned a lot about myself! Yay! 

I learned a lot about myself! Whew. 

So, I chose this day to put #aweekwithoutperfect to the test, and to look at what around me I had been missing by looking through the eyes of a perfectionist. 

First, I went kickboxing with Courtney. It was her first time and (see above regarding others' performance) I am a stickler for form, power, and speed... DO IT RIGHT!... But, I put that mindset to the backseat and put my energy towards encouraging her and congratulating her on how well she was doing. And she was!! In front of me, I saw a new version of perfection: Someone doing their best at that possible moment. I left instruction and tips up to the instructor, kept my role as a buddy, and she ended up joining the gym!

Not focusing on the perfect form and not comparing my performance to others', I had the best workout I've had in a while.

So, Christmas is coming up, and y'all, I want my recipients to love what I give them. So I went shopping with the idea to find something that makes the other person happy... Not to find something PERFECT. Do you see the difference in the way those two phrases affect the action? When looking for something that will make the other person happy, the possibilities are fun and endless. When looking for something that is perfect, time is spent scouring and stressing over finding one item. 

Without an agenda, I tried out new shops in town and loved my time. I ended up coming out with an ornament for myself (we don't have a tree up and it probably isn't getting put up and I ain't sorry about it) and a card that I liked that I don't know who it's going to and when. With my eyes open to the OPTIONS around me, I enjoyed my day. Thoroughly.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE.

There was even a nice little reminder tucked away in the store of my week's focus. THANKS, UNIVERSE. I get it. I'm working on it!

"Let's try focusing on your posts that do receive comments."

Secondly, I laughed because one of the gifts I purchased 1) thrilled my friend and 2) was described as "perfect!" by everyone that was there. D'oh! Looks like I'm not the only one who used that vocabulary. 

Day 6: I see perfectionism was a way for me to control my environment.

I left the grocery shopping and dinner to my husband (which I usually feel the need to control the perfect menu and shopping list), and I was realistic on the time commitments I made this day. I did things that I wanted to do (wore sweatpants, skipped a step in my facial care routine), rather than what fit the Perfectionism box I had been (apparently) living in. 

Honestly, it was a good day. 

Day 7: I see perfectionism as the root of anything that is limiting me.

Here we are (here I am!). I am so thankful that Trish Blackwell's Facebook video and Sheryl Sandburg's book Lean In encouraged me to see that perfectionism is a real issue, and is one that was limiting myself from living my life to its fullest. 

Through #aweekwithoutperfect, I was  surprised at how the beast of Perfectionism is affecting how I view myself ("I don't look like her," "I don't have her style," "I'll never get that flat stomach") and how I view others ("He didn't try hard enough," "She must not really want it," "He could have done better"). Perfectionism affects reactions to the outcome of projects (focusing on what wasn't accomplished rather than what was) and the effectiveness of actions taken. 

I am changed for the better. In the final days of the experiment, I was nicer to myself in my workout performance and in the morning when I went through my clothes to find an outfit that accents my body and personality rather than the current trends. I was nicer to others when they confided in me for personal help and when their performance was in question. 

I feel cleaner in my mind and in my heart. Perfectionism was a piece of clutter that was weighing me down without realizing it. Now that I have a handle on the depth of the problem, I will continue adjusting.

Spend a week focusing on something, and you're sure to discover something. 

Thank you for letting me share. 

Decision Tree: When It's NOT Worth Saying "Yes"

Carpe diem! Seize the day! Don't get comfortable! Be a "yes man!" Step outside your comfort zone!

It can get overwhelming to look someone in the face or reply to an email with "Yes, I'd love to. You can count on me." ...And even more overwhelming to stick to that commitment. On one hand, it's a great practice to push yourself forward into an environment you're unfamiliar with, or an environment in which you can allow yourself to shine in your strengths. Until you say "yes," these opportunities would lie dormant and the territory would remain uncharted. That's no fun. In my life, I want as many opportunities as possible to show others why I'm the greatest, but I can't be the greatest if I'm not giving my full attention.

"Yes" Can Get You into a Mess if You're Not Careful

At one point, I was VP of a group called The Society for Technical Communication... At age 23. At that time, I had a Bachelor's in Corporate Communications, so it kind of fell into my wheelhouse, even though it didn't fall into my expertise. I honestly didn't know what I was doing. Luckily, there were life-long members who were willing to do the work without the title, so it worked out that the amount of time I had available balanced with their level of knowledge and willingness to just present and host meetings. So, I had willing guides. What promoted me to say "yes" in this situation was, at that time, my inability to say "no," my desire to learn all the things, and a fascination with the personality of the President. Fast forward 5 years, and I'm glad I did because that President is now part of my close network and I have relied on her since for important career advice. I used other connections I made in the field for reference letters that led me to my current job. That "yes" was a value-add for me.

At another point, I was President of my sorority's alumni chapter. This is something I said "yes" to only because I had the inability to say "no" and I felt guilty for having it gone by the wayside; I felt it was either me or nobody (a false sense of responsibility). I had no interest in picking up the disassembled group, using an outdated member list, and forcing excitement in a group that was long-disenfranchised. In fact, the position was passed on to me because the past person was equally uninterested and cited the lack of support and interest as a big deterrent. Fast forward four years, and it was a booger to pass on to someone else; another willing and unknowing soul. In fact, it's not even listed on my LinkedIn profile; the topic nor the role played into my personal mission or career objectives. It was here when I learned if you're not excited about something, you're audience won't be excited, either. That "yes" was not a value-add to me.

The line has to be drawn somewhere. I feel like "Carpe diem" needs to come with an asterisk: Carpe Diem!*

*Only if your time, energy, and mission supports it.

 

Here's a Tool You Can Use

Do you have a hard time saying "no?" How do you know when to say "yes?" Has there ever been a time when you regret saying "yes?" Commitments can include voluntary leadership positions, extracurricular activities, time our with friends, or a one-off "Hey, will you do this for me?" request from a colleague. Use this the next time you wonder, "Should I? Should I not?" And the next time your gut is telling you "No" but you fight with your mind to make it say, "Yes."

If you use this, please share your experience(s). This has already gotten me out of taking over a local clean eating Meetup group that none of the other 400 members wanted to manage. Through this decision tree, I realized it was my perfectionism saying "Yes," not my resources or bon a fide interest.

If this image is difficult to read, please e-mail me and I will send it to you directly in PowerPoint format. Or, if you know of a way to link an image to a larger readable size, please leave that tip in the comments. (And don't use the decision tree for that request... Helping me is a hands-down wonderful decision. I should have included that...)

 

 

You are Worth "No"

You are valuable. That means your skills, your time, and your decisions are to be respected and put to good use. To grow, you strategically, not haphazardly, give these resources away. By using the chart above, you can prove to yourself that some things are okay to say "no" to, because you're setting yourself up to be available for more value-add projects and opportunities.

Why I Hate the Word Perfect

It's a facade. Come on, "perfect" is subjective, unattainable, and inefficient. And it's part of my everyday vocabulary.

"Nu-uh, I'm so good at all the things! Just tell me what you want done and I'll do it the best!" This is almost a direct quote from me. You want to know another almost direct quote from me? "I shouldn't get started on that, because I'm not sure how to do it perfectly."

Without even realizing it, I was constantly putting myself in impossible situations, and NOT putting myself in POSSIBLE situations. In her book, Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg aptly states, "Aiming at perfection causes frustration at best and paralysis at worst."

Excuse me while I pause, because my mind was just blown. So, you're saying that the tens of goal sheets I have, the filled-to-the-brim planner, and the number of groups I'm committed to is correlated to the anxiety I feel if I press snooze, the guilt I feel if I miss a plan or a workout, the obsessing over a piece of dust on the floor, and the events I commit to that I'm not even excited about?

It wasn't until LAST MONTH I even recognized I am a perfectionist. It was an epiphany (for me. It came no surprise to my closest confidants when I revealed this dark secret to them. Funny how others see things so clearly, huh?). Y'all, I have "relaxation" scheduled in my calendar. My first step to squashing perfectionism, actually, is creating this blog. Someone asked me, "Why haven't you started writing yet?" My answer? "I'm waiting for the perfect branding and layout. I have some great id---" I couldn't even finish my sentence before I noticed "that look" in their eyes and realized what I had done. And said out loud! THAT WORD had in one fell swoop permeated conversation and taken blame for me not doing something I love!

Did you know there are employers who don't hire interviewees that admit to being a perfectionist? When I first heard this, I thought it was absurd. But, as I've embraced the label and seen how the label has impeded some personal success, I am starting to come around.

"Perfect is a fancy word for procrastination"
Also today (can you tell the kind of day I've had??), confidence coach Trish Blackwell posted a video to Facebook and these were her exact words. Suddenly, I looked up and realized I hadn't done my weekly planning because I had draft after draft of the perfect new layout for my planner but nothing perfect enough to write on, so instead I waited a day so I could create a new draft... I hadn't worked out because I hadn't planned my workouts perfectly to hit the recommended 3x/week cardio, 2x/week strength training, 2x/week stretching, so instead I did 0 workouts... I hadn't gone grocery shopping because I hadn't planned out my weeks' worth of perfect hommemade Paleo foods, so instead I ordered in Chinese...

Please, watch the whole video here. It's embarrassing to admit, as a high-achiever, the most basics couldn't be accomplished, but that's the point. That's what perfectionism does. How many times have you put off starting a project, writing an email, or painting a craft because you didn't have the vision of perfection yet? Or, you had the vision, but failing was almost easier than achieving it?

Frustration with those around you
If it's not attainable for you to reach your lofty expectations for yourself, it's definitely not possible for other people. You don't clearly define expectations, you make assumptions about the resources and abilities available to them, and you expect them to accomplish what, ideally, you envision yourself accomplishing. They do their best, but you see flaws; they didn't give you the perfect report or they didn't perform their plank perfectly. Therefore, they failed. These are the only two options you see for yourself, and they're the only options you see in others. Eventually, those around you become afraid to tell you the truth

#aweekwithoutperfect
You know what, this has got to be killed. Nay, SLAUGHTERED. Walk along with me, and tag your experiences because I would love to share in your journey. For the next week, my internal focus will be to pinpoint perfectionist behaviors, thoughts, and vocabulary slip-ups within myself. Once I pinpoint what happened, the experience will get journaled, alongside a suggestion to myself of what could have been done or said instead.

Mother Yourself
You had a mother, or a mother-like figure. You may be like me and have had multiple mothers. The #aweekwithoutperfect experiment will be hard because the worst thing you can do to a perfectionist is point out the imperfections, even if that imperfection is perfection. (Got that?) So, this habit is a baby and it needs to grow through encouragement, hugs, and "go get 'em again, tiger." This is an experiment, and you're not being graded. You might be trying at perfection harder than you think.

If that's too soft of a solution, you can follow Kristin's advice, my friend who (appropriately) just got out of a kickboxing session: "Just tell perfection she's a bitch, and bitches get stitches, so GTFO."


Just find your groove and let's experiment. Together.

The Lesson of the Blender

It's a shitty, basic, red Oster blender with the initials AEM Sharpied on the base. It was free. And I took it. This morning, I realized I shouldn't have.

It's 7:50 AM, I'm supposed to be at work at 8:00 AM. Whew. Are your stress levels rising reading that, because mine are. Fluttering around the kitchen, I make a coconut-mango-pineapple chia seed smoothie as a quick (ha!) fix for breakfast.

Throwing everything in the blender, I press "Pulse." The two tiny blades crank to life, emitting a soft grinding noise and a gross, burning smell. I keep pulsing (hey, I'm in a rush) and only the first half-inch of the canister is getting blended... Leaving the other 4 cups of frozen fruit untouched. Dammit.

Stubborn as I am, I grab a knife and try to manipulate the top pieces to the bottom half-inch, thinking that hey it might take a little longer, but at least I'd have my breakfast. I spent a few minutes forcing this blender to fit into my expectation of "working," but saw very little payoff; 80% of the fruit was still unblended and my time and patience was wearing out faster.

Frustrated, I pulled out my sturdy, reliable food processor, set it up with the blending blade, transferred the contents of the blender to it, pressed "Pulse," and was done in one minute flat.

Was that so hard? (Yes.)

Set Your Future Self Up for Success
At what point was accepting this hand-me-down worth it? Front end: Don't spend $60 on a new blender (good!). Don't offend a friend who is being generous (eh.). Long term: Being left stranded in a high-pressure time of need (bad!!). Here, take my $60, past-self. You're gonna need it.

Keep A Solid Toolbox of Resources
When a project gets tough, the toolbox of resources you have is CRI.TI.CAL. Do not take the easy route, because the easy route is only good an hour or so, maximum a day - however long the feeling of cheating fate lasts. Investing in a good decision then testing it out before the golden hour of need will make sure you have a large portion of your needs taken care of. With these taken care of at the start, you can use your action time handling other fires.

As Soon as Something Doesn't Work, TOSS IT.
Do not ever think someone needs a shitty blender. No one needs to be yelling in their kitchen at 7:50 AM. So, remember how we are supposed to treat others like we'd like to be treated? Don't be the reason someone has a shitty blender in their toolbox. That kind of want sets others up for success and is underserving of (most).

I'm sure the blender served AEM a good purpose earlier in its life, but it's now sitting in my trash can waiting to be taken away for good, and I am now cursing the day I thought it was a good idea to accept a free blender.

The Call for Authenticity Post-Election

Our nation is freaking the fuck out right now.

President-elect Donald Trump is the eccentric, rich creepy uncle you don't talk about around your new boyfriend, and he's sure as hell not the type you have running your nation. He's misogynist, racist, narcissistic, unpredictable, anti-abor--- well, just see for yourself what people are saying.

Yet America woke up on November 5th, 2016 and, in fact, he apparently is that type for 62,004,178 people. He is running our nation... To the ground? Hopefully not.

But we can't be mad at President-elect Trump. He's just the "pretty face" on a culture we thought was dead. He's scary, but what's scarier is that he has SUPPORT. And he has support from people all around us. Real people! My father, my grandmother, my father-in-law, my co-workers...

Real, life people cheering for President-elect Donald Trump.

No matter how much it wounds, we can't take a victim's mindset right now because 1) we are better than that and 2) we don't have the time.

People are hungry for authenticity

For the last few months, we have read, observed, and listened to candidates clouded by "moneyed interests, self-interest, celebrity, cynicism, hunger for power, superficial sound bites, hidden agendas, and hypocrisy." It's come to a head, and we're tired of it. Show me a person who can speak clearly and genuinely from their soul, and I'll see a person that people are going to follow and be attracted to.

Hypocrisy is unattractive.

Because it is not as common as you'd hope...

...But it's getting there. If you can see through bullshit, you can pretty much guarantee other people can, too. And politics is notorious for bullshit. Millennials will shape the future landscape of our political life, and they/we have officially surpassed Baby Boomers in population. Fight now, and in four years, let the change be heard.

Momentum isn't going to continue on its own.

So have real conversations

Take every opportunity you can to calmly explain to your family, community, and other pro-Trump offenders why you care and the ramifications of having a douche like this in office (although you might want to try a less-aggressive approach). Encourage the friends and activists around you who are speaking out against the patriarchy to fight the good fight. Most importantly, don't let them do it alone; they need you and they need you to speak the truth to your circle of influence. 

And women, I'm talking to you

You can't control other people's opinions, but you can stand up for yours. A culture of promoting a sexist cannot continue; we and the women before us have worked too damn hard to watch it wash over us. Use these feelings of mourning to rise again (and again and again and again), and your driving desire to make a positive difference. 

Call it feminist, call it being a decent human being. 

Sources

• 2016 National Popular Vote Tracker by David Wasserman, http://cookpolitical.com/story/10174
• ‘I Love You, But...’: What Your Trump Vote Tells My Family by David Valdes Greenwood, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/i-love-youbut-what-your-trump-vote-tells-my_us_581cd369e4b044f827a78c4f
• Is “Authenticity” A Meaningful Benchmark for Election 2016 Candidates? by Brenda M. Carter, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brenda-m-cotter/is-authenticity-overrated_b_10020706.html
• Millennials overtake Baby Boomers as America’s largest generation by Richard Fry, http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/04/25/millennials-overtake-baby-boomers/
• The 9 Most Sexist Donald Trump Quotes From 2015 Are Honestly Just The Tip Of The Icerberg by Seth Millstein, https://www.bustle.com/articles/131835-the-9-most-sexist-donald-trump-quotes-from-2015-are-honestly-just-the-tip-of-the
• Three-times married Trump takes aim at Bill Clinton's infidelities as he fights dirty with Hillary over her claims he's sexist by Hannah Parry, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3375438/Clinton-Trump-war-Donald-attacks-former-President-Bill-s-infidelities-Hillary-accused-having-penchant-sexism.html
• Misogynist, Misandrist, and Feminist by dragon-s, http://www.redbubble.com/people/dragon-s/works/13869108-misogynist-misandrist-and-feminist?p=art-print
• Donald Trump, protesters go big in Texas by Ben Schreckinger, http://www.politico.com/story/2015/09/donald-trump-2016-dallas-megarally-213625
• The 2016 Election's Generation Gap [Infographic] by Niall McCarthy, http://www.forbes.com/sites/niallmccarthy/2016/11/09/the-2016-elections-generation-gap-infographic/#7f0e8ce2404d